Decided that I’m going to write again in here. Actually it’s not that I’m deciding, I just totally forgot about it since I reformatted my computer not too long ago.
I don’t know I was really excited actually when I was taking a shower, to start writing again because I do feel like my speaking skills have really been going down the drain these days and I’m almost sure it’s because I haven’t been writing. But anyway, back to the subject at hand.
So alot of things have changed lately and I can’t say it’s for the better or worse. They’re just alot different. I started school at FIDM this past january as a professional designation program major. The counselor did say how it was kind of like their grad school program if they had one but you know the drift.
You would think that I would have gotten even closer to people who already go to FIDM but I don’t know, it kind of seems like I’ve gotten more distant to them in a way. Or maybe that I just never knew they were so busy and stuck in their own lives. And this is probably why I would never show this tumblr to my friends because I really need to let everything out here or somewhere and I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. Not that I feel like I’m talking about them behind their back but that sometimes you just need to talk to someone about somethings but you don’t want that person to get hurt in any way.
Writing in here, has already kind of made me feel better to some length. In terms with boys, well you know the story. Always the same thing, I feel like. Me always chasing, and them being sort of half way there. EH. Well the one I’ve I guess I can say, I’ve been liking for a while now, is long gone. HAHA not really I’m being over dramatic. He’s just moved to another city. And I was like really sad for a while when I first heard it. Believe it or not, I sat in my room just crying for like 15 minutes. I KNOW? CRASY right? Sometimes I amaze myself at the things I do… SO WEIRD. lol at least I can laugh about it now. Well yeah, I think I just cried because I felt like I’d never see him again. And even if our relationship was solely based on hooking up, I’d feel like we’d have nothing else left together if he’d move. Or not even that, I felt like I neglected him the past couple months since I’ve last seen him because I get the way I always do when I hook up fully with someone. I get really weirded out and just ignore them or act like it meant nothing to me and that they don’t matter at all. I don’t really know why I get like that. I think it’s because I’m scared that they won’t like me anymore because we’ve already done everything there is to be done. Or We’re both wondering what the next step is and when it just takes too long to figure it out, I make the next step of acting like nothing happened and that he never mattered to me. In that sence, I feel like more of a guy I guess which is weird.
So that’s that, and I don’t really know if he likes me cus when do guys ever admit it. But, I feel like he has before or I don’t know maybe he hasn’t but just acts that way just to get some. What I do miss, is how we used to talk like all the time. You would think that with me moving back to La Canada after college, that we would get even closer together, but that’s totally not the case at all. Sometimes, I feel like I pushed myself away from him because I knew it was wrong and that I felt like nothing will ever come out of it cus no one could know about it. And when people did know, it was just the hardest thing to deal with because of what other people thought about him.
And then theres always that idea in the back of my mind where I think he’s just crasy and all the drugs he took really messed up his mind and he had no clue what he was doing and that he never even really liked me. It was just all the drugs talking. Cus I know that sometimes he’d text me and he’s told me he’s on something. For all I know, every time he textes me, he can be on something.
How can someone love drugs so much? It’s actually really crazy. Which comes back to what I did yesterday. Ok I just searched like 3 ways for anyone to find my tumblr without me telling them and I didn’t get any of my tumblrs in the search engine so I guess I’m on the clear. So yesterday, I was really curious and someone in the house had a Z and I took a tiny little piece. So I finally knew what it felt like to take one. It wasn’t bad at all. It actually made me feel really calm and chill. I kind of know why he really likes this the most I guess. But to take it like almost all the time is a bit crasy. He must not care about his body at all.
Ok this whole speal reminds me I have to go to Bank of America and ask them about my credit card and why the security code isn’t working on itunes. And then I have work at 5. I really just wonder what he really feels about me.
But jumping on another topic, I totally met this guy at a club on my birthday and we hooked up. :X ah I really don’t know why I always do this. I mean I guess I have an excuse this time because of my birthday but still. I feel like I should really hold some boundaries up. Just for me and my health.
And then I realized after hooking up with him that the only person that really was the right fit was my other guy. Everyone, well almost everyone I’ve been with was too big and I didn’t enjoy it at all. Which makes me crazier cus I feel like we’ll never be together, officially. It’s like that cinderella story where all the feet don’t fit except that one cinderella. So I guess I should stop trying with anyone else because 90% of the time it wont fit. My size is just too small or something which is sad cus that implies that his is small or just really thin. But yeah I guess it’s good in a way because it makes me not want to keep hooking up with guys, well at least all the way cus it’s not going to be good. But he’ll just never know, that’s the sad thing.
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Usher: Climax
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